Something I keep noticing in different times of my life, and something I reflected on heavily in therapy the other day, is how quickly women turn against other women… while the man in the situation walks away untouched.
A man will lie, cheat, manipulate, disrespect and somehow another woman becomes the main problem.
I’ve learned a big reason for this is that women are socialized from a young age to see each other as competition. For attention. For safety. For validation. For belonging.
Men are centered, and women are taught to orbit around them. So when something goes wrong, our instinct is to fight the other woman instead of holding him accountable.
Because holding him accountable shatters the illusion.
Blaming another woman protects it.
When women attack each other instead of the man who caused the harm, the consequence is that he feels that he never has to change.
He learns that manipulation works. He learns dishonesty has no real cost. He learns women will absorb the fallout while he keeps the power.
I’ve lost close friendships over men more times than I can count, not because I betrayed anyone, but because the situation was set up with women already positioned as enemies.
There were so many moments in my life where I lost good girlfriends I was super close with over a guy, not because I betrayed them, but because the situation was set up in a way where women were already positioned as enemies.
The boyfriend of one close friend would secretly flirt with me behind her back, making things uncomfortable, only for her to turn on me and cut me off instead of questioning him. When they broke up, she tried to be friends with me again and what do you think I did?
Another time, I caught a close friend’s boyfriend cheating at a party. I told her because I thought that was girl code. I thought I was protecting her.
Instead, I was accused of lying. Of being jealous. Of trying to ruin her relationship. And watching her choose him over our friendship broke my heart.
Then there’s infidelity because the narrative is almost always backwards.
People love to paint the “other woman” as some seductress, some home-wrecker, some evil villain. But a lot of times she wasn’t plotting. She wasn’t chasing. She wasn’t even interested.
A lot of times the man pursued her. She was vulnerable. He pushed boundaries. He wore her down. He made promises. He played victim. He was relentless to the point where “no” never registered as an answer.
And when it all blows up?
She becomes the target because she’s easier to blame than the wife is protecting. Women will go after her with a level of aggression they will never aim at him.
While he positions himself as a victim to both sides and plays both roles so convincingly that both women question themselves instead of him.
These men aren’t confused. They’re calculated.
We are heartbroken in the first place because of these men.
Of course, other women are easier to blame than the men that owe us loyalty.
And honestly, if I ever found out my husband emotionally manipulated another woman into secretly being with him, just trust me on this, my anger would be directed fully at him. Not her.
These men need to be held accountable.
He owes me loyalty, honesty and integrity. Not some vulnerable woman he pursued and manipulated.
So all of those moments that I just spoke about stayed with me.
And that’s why this conversation matters.
I don’t want any more friendships.
Any more sisterhoods.
Any more women sacrificed for a man’s bad behavior.
We can do better than that.
And we deserve better than that.
Honestly, Vanessa 