I’m giving up on the filmmaking stuff.
Not because I don’t love it.
But because I don’t feel like I can survive it.
I’ve been through a lot these past few years.
More than I think I’ve even fully processed.
And right now, I just feel too sad to be ambitious at the same time.
People always say pain is supposed to inspire you, that things like heartbreak, toxic relationships, even abuse… they’re supposed to turn into something creative.
But for me, it doesn’t feel like that.
It just feels heavy.
I was in a DV relationship. Other meaningful relationships that just didn’t work out either. And if I’m being honest, more than anything… I just want to feel loved and chosen properly.
And instead of feeling inspired to pursue a career in this space, I just feel emotionally drained.
Like I don’t even have the capacity to turn it into anything right now.
Maybe one day I will.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to revisit all of this and create something meaningful out of it.
I truly loved being in film school. The editing, working with others, and getting to use film cameras, which felt so cool to me.
But by the time I got to my senior year, everything shifted.
My panic attacks got worse.
My self-esteem and confidence were at an all-time low.
And if I’m being honest, I don’t even know how much of that was shaped by the abusive relationship I was in at the time.
But I do know this…
I don’t feel like the same person anymore.
I feel like something in me broke.
I’m dealing with panic attacks, perfectionism, and this constant feeling that I’m not good enough.
Every time I think about pursuing filmmaking seriously, my chest gets tighter and my mind races with negative thoughts.
You know that overwhelming feeling that you get like you’re about to fail before you even start?
And the truth is… I don’t trust myself at times.
I don’t trust my ideas.
I don’t trust my ability to execute them.
I don’t feel like I belong in that space.
Filmmaking feels big. Loud. Demanding.
It requires confidence and extroversion that I don’t have, and a version of me I can’t access at the moment.
Networking feels impossible.
Being around people feels overwhelming.
Having to constantly prove myself feels exhausting before I even begin.
And the more I think about it, the worse it gets…
What used to feel like something I love now feels like pressure.
Like super high expectations.
Like something I’m going to for sure fail at.
So I’m finally letting it go.
People can think all they want about me, but I’m going to do what’s best for me right now.
Honestly, Vanessa 